Funny one liners (Crazy smiley)
The man shows up
late for work. The Boss: "You should have been here at
I burnt 600 calories last night. Left my pizza in the oven for too long.
You know what else is pointless? Circles.
Who wants to do something we will regret in the morning?
The young man who stands on his own two feet has probably failed his driving test.
In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria.
The police never think it's as funny as I do.
Jack Daniels should come with bail money.
Bad hair day. did you lose a bet with your hair dresser?
Man can climb the highest mountain, swim the widest ocean, fight the strongest lion. But once he's married, he mostly takes out the garbage.
Doctor, doctor, I cant feel my legs. "Of course you cant. We had to amputate both of your arms."
Whenever I find the key to success, someone changes the lock.
A fool is a 27 story window-washer who steps back to admire his work.
My doctor told me to watch my drinking, so now I drink in front of a mirror.
I’m retired. I was tired yesterday and I'm tired again today.
The economy is so bad, if the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds", you have to call and ask if they meant you or them.
am a bomb technician. If you see me running, try to keep up.
A street magician came up to me at the weekend and said "pick a card, any card." So I took his credit card.
pls tell ur BOOBS to stop staring at my EYES
Why do ballerinas stand on their toes? Can't they just get taller women?
The secret to being a successful cross-country runner is to choose a small country.
What is Beethoven doing in his grave? De-Composing.
I never turn my back on my friends. I don't trust them that much.
The blonde "Whats the problem?" The mechanic "Just crap in the carburetor" The blonde "How often do I have to do that?"
To let a fool kiss you is stupid. To let a kiss fool you is worse.
You'll always remember the first time you forget your wife's name.
Have you noticed all the people in favor of birth control are already born?
If this were a free country, I'd own it by now.
When your memory goes, forget it.
I once told my girlfriend that I would go through Hell for her. And I kept that
promise. I married her.
What is the thing you keep looking for and when you find it, you throw it away? A booger.
What did the mommy bullet say to the daddy bullet? We're going to have a bb.
Do sheep get static cling when they rub against one another?
What did the Atlantic Ocean say to the Pacific Ocean? Nothing. They just waved
Sesame Street turns 40 today. They don't look a day over 3.
If you want to end your life with a fine finish, drink varnish.
If you can't get a lawyer who knows the law, then get one who knows the judge.
Research is what I'm doing when I don't know what I'm doing.
This morning, I looked at my unmade bed and decided it was art in another medium and I should not destroy it.
A baby is a loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.
My biggest regret is that on my second day of life I never asked anyone: "What? Do yo think I was born yesterday??"
Do not ever argue with the person who is packing your parachute.
It takes hundreds of nuts to hold a car together, but only one of them to scatter it all over the highway.
Insanity means never having to say "I'm guilty".
Hope you enjoyed that.
